Stronger not skinnier.

For most of my adult life I have had an interesting relationship with food, with my body and with my mind.  So many of us do, am I right? My body is never something I have been proud of, I have never really made it a priority to love it and to take care of it.  Same goes for my mind really, I let it overthink and obsess far too much never really taking care of my mental health.

Growing up I learned the basics of nutrition and exercise but I don't think that our generation were really taught about taking care of your mind.  Mental health was something that was almost scoffed at.  The word, 'stressed' was banded around a lot but nobody really seemed to take mental health very seriously.

If you've come across my blog before or know me personally you will know that my mum has suffered with anorexia nervosa for most of her life and therefore I grew up witnessing her daily battles.  This disorder also meant that although she tried her best to protect us from it, I developed an unhealthy outlook on eating and my body image.  I have never been anorexic, it just meant that over the years I treated my body utterly disrespectfully and allowed my mind to tell me I was fat, ugly and unworthy.  This in turn meant that I was never motivated to learn about the ins and outs of nutrition and only ever exercised in the pursuit of a flat stomach.

By 2012 I was living alone and was well versed on surviving on Diet Coke, sweets, the odd block of cheese, cucumber and a few other things in between.  I loved all the 'bad' foods and would deprive myself all day long so that I could eat that pizza on Friday night with my boyfriend.  In my head I was surviving and fitting in size 8 clothes so all was grand.  Looking back my mood swings were horrendous, my self confidence was non existent and often all I wanted to do was think about food or sleep.

Falling pregnant in 2013 meant that I had to start taking better care of my body in order to grow our beautiful daughter.  I was hungry/ HANGRY pretty much ALL of the time and boy did I eat.  Finding Sam and having our daughter did stop me from abusing my body and I began to at least respect it for taking care of my daughter for 9 months and delivering her safely into my arms on December 31st 2013.

Again, if you know me or have read my blog before then you will know that I quickly fell pregnant with our son 3 months after having Posey.  This meant that getting my body ready for our wedding went out the window and again I focused on eating 'well' for our unborn child.  We were blessed with our little boy 9 months later but it meant that I absolutely hated myself on our wedding day and unfortunately struggle to look at most of the photographs that were taken on the day.  - I feel it is important to point out here that our wedding day was still one of the happiest days of my life, I married the man of my absolute dreams with our daughter by our sides and our son in my belly.

Fast forward to 2019... I have just turned 30 and my husband has recently started hitting it hard at the gym.  He has always been active but has become seriously motivated to eat well, nourish his body and train like a beast.  I am so proud of him but it also turns out I am quite competitive... so I started following him to the gym.

The gym has seriously awakened something inside of me (so cheesy i know but it is true).  At first I was absolutely terrible at it and attempting to work out having not had time to eat much at work or drink much water.  I found myself feeling inspired to train harder and make my body stronger.  I am motivated to learn more about food and nutrition.  I want to know about foods to improve my skin, my mood, my fitness and my energy levels.  I want to learn about HIIT sessions that can improve my stamina and my strength not that can make me 'drop a dress size' or gain a beach body within a week!

The shift in my mindset is honestly incredible I am less frightened of food and far more willing to learn about my body and take care of it.  Instead of cursing it and hating my IBS I am trying different ways to appease it.  Instead of reaching for alllll the Diet Coke to get me through the day I am starting my days with a hot lemon water and drinking so much water - now don't get me wrong I am still me and I still love Diet Coke but there are changes around here and I am bloody happy about them.

Do I love my body now?  - no, it would be silly to say that I do but I am working with it now and trying to take care of it.  I want to be a mum that my children are proud of and one that has energy and good mental health.  I love to train with Sam and I honestly think it is working wonders in our marriage and basically I am just a happier, more motivated person.

I actually think that this change will stick too -  going to the gym is now something I really look forward to, I am enjoying learning about nutrition and bringing our children along for the ride -  and look, I am motivated to write again so I must be onto a winner.

If you are looking to change and become more in tune with your body's needs and your mental health and sincerely recommend you look up Sarahs_day - she is an Australian holistic health blogger and YouTuber.  She is massively motivating and has so much knowledge to share with daft sods like me who really didn't know a thing about taking care of my body and mind.

side note: thank you Sam for also being massively motivating and supportive - not only does he big me up and support me but he also bought me an Apple Watch and air pods last week to show me how proud of me he is! I mean #husbandgoals or what?!

Sorry for such a long winded post - I am just feeling motivated and actually possibly maybe just a little bit proud of myself!

Thanks for stopping by,

Body Confidence.

This is a post I have toyed with writing for a long time.

It is something I want to speak about, something I battle with and importantly something I feel passionate about.  Body confidence is such an issue.  It is talked about every single day in so many different corners of the world and affects so many people no matter what walk of life they are from.

At the same time though, I almost feel like I shouldn't write about it, in fear of insulting or upsetting anyone (my own family members included).

I am going to write about it anyway, I am in no way an expert on how to deal with the struggles of body confidence and have absolutely nothing figured out but here goes.


My body is something I have struggled to love for as long as I can remember.  This struggle far proceeds me becoming a mother.  Don't get me wrong there are some parts of me that I don't mind too much but my negative opinions about myself outweigh the positives.  This post is not supposed to be a sympathy post it is just one I felt inclined to write.

I can remember feeling fat and ugly before even entering high school.  I always enjoyed my food as a younger child but I remember one day where, if memory serves me correctly, I ordered the same meal as my dad and something in me just nagged at me.  I looked around the dinner table and saw my mum's salad and then my meal mirroring my dads.  A thought entered my mind and it never left.  It told me I shouldn't be eating what my dad was eating (portion size wise) and this thought festered.  I began to notice how much taller I was in comparison to a lot of my friends and I started to note what I was eating and what my mother wasn't. My anxiety began to grow and by the time I was entering my adolescent years I was trying to think of ways to avoid food and diet.  I became a little more obsessive and conscious about my body and how much I ate.  I made bad choices though and still do.  Like even though I wanted to be thin, I continued to chose Diet Coke, sweets and bits of cheese and I think that is because inherently I still loved food.
 This love for food is something I still feel extremely guilty about.  There is something in my mind that tells me it is wrong to enjoy food and I almost feel like I am letting myself down when I do eat but common sense prevails and reminds me that I am supposed to eat and enjoy food.  However I should note that I feel stronger in myself when those pangs of hunger hit and feel weak when I give in to them... which I know sounds ridiculous.

At this point in the post I think it is important to tell you that my mum has struggled with an eating disorder for many, many years.  I can remember points in my life where she has managed her eating disorder 'well' and other points where we have lived in fear that her body will just give up on her.  I remember her weight watchers soup and plates of boiled vegetables for dinner, I remember the look of despair on my dad's face when she refused to eat in public places and I remember the many tears I have shed worrying that I was going to lose my mum to anorexia... this is harder to write than I thought it would be.  I don't blame my mum by the way.  She can't help it believe me I know she has tried but she just can't overcome it.

_________________________________________________________

I started writing this post months ago.  I stopped because I didn't know where else to take it and kind of forget my reasons for starting it in the first place.  Whilst it was therapeutic to write in some ways, in others, it was damn depressing!

I think I felt inclined to write it for these reasons;
1. to acknowledge how I felt about myself in the past and realise that yes; perhaps I did have a bit of a problem.
2. to acknowledge my mum's anorexia and my childhood watching her struggle.
3. to remind myself that I need to not be so hard on myself when it comes to food but at the same time not be so hard on myself when I am feeling negative about the way I look.
4. to remind myself to NEVER let these thoughts get a grip of me again as I don't want my children or my husband to be part of the battles my family have been.

I DO NOT blame my mum for how I feel about my appearance she spent my whole childhood trying to make me confident and encouraging me to eat food.  She told me I was special, she told me I was beautiful.  How I feel isn't her fault and she stood never feel guilty.  I am just so deeply saddened by the fact that anorexia won't leave her alone.  I hope that one day she will find a way to be comfortable but I am not sure that will ever happen.  I am incredibly angry with the mental illness as it took my mum away from me.
I am incredibly angry with the illness because it has made me question my appearance and my food choices.

I love my husband and my children because they fixed me.  Not to say that I love myself now because I do not but I am far healthier because of them and Sam helps me with how I feel every.single.day.

- I love you Sam. -


I am sorry for an awfully waffling on style post.  This blog is my little online diary and this is something I wanted to write about it is just a shame I couldn't express my thoughts more coherently.

If you are someone reading this that struggles with body confidence, food or anxiety in general regarding the way you look, please talk to someone about it.  Whether it's a family member, a friend, a colleague or a doctor be brave and take that step to feeling better about yourself.

The term nothing takes a good as skinny feels... is bull****, there is far more to us than our figures and I am going to try hard to remember that.  So should you. xx

If you are still here reading this, THANK YOU.

Lots of love,

Holly x

Confessions of a regular mama

It seems to have happened... the one thing I promised myself I would never turn into when I had children.  I am a shouty mum! Sometimes even a yelling one and quite frankly it makes me feel like crap.

I am not sure when it happened... don't get me wrong I was never a perfect mama by any means and occasionally I did shout but as my children grow out of their toddler years I seem to be doing it much more often.

Since moving out to Abu Dhabi our lives have been filled with emotional highs and lows and sometimes these are pretty extreme.  I think this has had an impact on my parenting.  It has taken time to adjust to the earlier get up times, a new job, a new home, the fact that we are constantly together and of course the heat.  We still use 'time out' as our main form of discipline and yet I seem to be raising my voice more and more.  The truth is the more I yell, the less I am heard and the more both Posey and Lochlann seem to push the boundaries.  But then of course they do, who wants to be shouted at by their mama.  I need to remember they are still my babies, they are only 3 and 4.  Shouting is not the answer not matter how tired or emotional I am and no matter how much they are testing my patience.

Lochlann has hit three and although he is still such a sweet and gentle soul he now has fits of anger and frustration.  This frustration sometimes causes him to act out by hitting his sister or yelling, 'no' at Sam and I when we ask him to do something.  I think that I know the reasons behind his behaviour though.  Not only has he gone through all the changes that we have as a family, he has also been toilet trained and is being weaned off his dummy.  I know he is finding the latter of these very difficult so I need to bloody well remember this when he is acting out.

The thing with Posey is that she is a bright young lady and she is testing her limits and ours.  She has learned that she can tell lies (by lies I mean little fibs) and this is something we are tackling.  She also has a cheeky attitude and now stamps her feet at me if she doesn't get her own way.  It absolutely infuriates me when she does this.  I then shout and plonk her in time out when really it probably just needs a cuddle and a discussion about the right ways to show her frustration.  She is only four after all.

This isn't a, 'oh woe is me, I am such a terrible mother' post.  Instead it is me recognising something in my own behaviour and vowing to change it.  I am going to talk to my little family and let them know that this is something I am going to work on.  I need to speak more softly and hope that I am heard better.  I need to go to bed earlier and get more sleep whilst we are off and replenish my energy.  I also think making healthier eating choices and taking some time to exercise (aka have some time to myself without feeling mega guilty) will help me be a calmer, happier mama. 

I love my babies, I am in love with my little family and I need to make sure they know how much they are loved.  Shouting is not my parenting style and it stops here.

Thanks for taking the time to read.  If you are a parent reading this, I hope you can understand.

Insta' living.

I have just relished two weeks off.  Time off to recuperate, time off with my lovely little family and time off (lets be honest) to scroll the shit out of Instagram.  I can literally live on this app if I am not careful and constantly find myself thinking, 'oh that'll be a good snap for Instagram.'  We are all guilty of this right and what's the harm? Whilst I don't want to become real negative on my blog I do feel it is necessary for me to write this post...

The last few days I have found myself in a Instagram hole! I have been lost in all the pretty posts, flat lays and photos of beautiful homes and beautiful mamas.  Honestly, it has made me feel like utter crap.  I have felt useless and ugly... it has not been a good place.  It has affected how I have mothered and it has affected the kind of wife I have been to my husband.  Not good. 

I try to have confidence in myself and I really enjoy using Instagram.  I love taking photos and I love writing the little captions underneath each one to document what is going on day to day.  It enables me to write without needing to find the time to blog.  My Instagram feed is my mini blog. But I just don't feel like I compare to all these beautiful mamas that seem to have their shit together.  I don't seem to have tapped into that, 'amazing community' that lots of the lovely ladies I follow talk about.  

I have sat and wondered what is wrong with me, why don't I fit?  Will I ever be good enough?

This post is a reminder to both myself and anyone that might be reading it that Instagram is simply an app... a brilliant app but just an app nevertheless.  My feed doesn't define me and it really shouldn't matter but it does to me.   I need to learn to not let things get to me so much.

Right, rant over.  I am zonked after my first day back teaching after the holidays.  My bed is calling and so is One Born Every Minute... BABY OBSESSED.

Thanks for stopping by,
Lots of love. xx

Careers, Motherhood & Self-belief.

Wow... what a busy week.  I can't describe it as long and yet Monday seems like such a long time ago.  This return to work after half term started with a bang as it was World Book Day where I teach.  I got to go to work in my brand new pjs (the nursery run was interesting, lots of strange looks) and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed strolling round my classroom in my pom pom slippers.  Despite the lounge-wear though, the return to work was at full speed and I barely had a moment to take a breath or ask a colleague how their holidays had been.  I always find that myself missing the littles even  more than usual on the first day back at work too.  Whether that is just a Monday after the weekend or after a half term holiday.  But I know, deep down, nursery is good for them and work is good for me.  As much as I absolutely adored maternity leave and my time at home with P & L, it was at times a lonely life,,, but that's a topic for another post.

The rest of this week was just crazy busy.  Filled with nursery picks ups and drop offs, traffic jams and lesson observations.  By the time Friday arrived I was done.  I was achy, tired and longing for the weekend.  Despite the tiredness though, this week for me really opened my eyes in terms of my, 'teacher life.'

I have never been a particularly confident person,  That is not a, 'oh poor me, give me some sympathy' statement, it is just a fact. No matter how times a loved one or a friend has told me I am a good, capable teacher, I have never quite believed it myself.  Self-doubt is a bitch but a couple of things have happened this week which have meant that actually, just maybe my self-confidence is improving.  I am proud of my class and how hard I work for them to progress and I feel like this year I have really begun to establish myself as a solid teacher (after two maternity leaves that happened one after the other).  I have taken a long time but I finally starting to believe in myself a little more.  FINALLY.  This is thanks to some wonderful colleagues, friends and my husband but also thanks to me having a good old word with myself.  I am not a young NQT (newly-qualified teacher) or a newbie mum anymore.  I am a teacher in her sixth year with a lot of experience under her belt.  A teacher that younger teachers look to for advice and support and it is about time I started to act like it! So that is my plan.

Now this doesn't mean I won't have times where I am unsure of myself or nervous about the next staff meeting I need to deliver or lesson I am being observed in but what it does mean is that I am really going to try hard to give myself a break sometimes.  I am going to try and remember to step back and take stock of everything I have achieved as a teacher and a mother rather than chastising myself or all the things I haven't yet achieved or all those things I could have done better.

Ok so reading back through what I have written this post has taken a different route to that I had planned but that is ok.  I am going to leave it as it is.  Then hopefully when I am feeling less confident I can look back at this and remember this week and how I felt about where I am in my career and as a mother. Perhaps this will help someone else that reads it and helps them to realise that they should have more self-worth and confidence in themselves too, whether that be in their job role or as a mother.

Ok enough waffling, if you read this I hope you enjoyed it. P & L if you are reading this sometime in the future then please have confidence in yourselves you are a joy to be around and provide everyone around you with such happiness that you should be proud of yourselves no matter what!

Thanks for stopping by.
Lots of love xx