Stronger not skinnier.

For most of my adult life I have had an interesting relationship with food, with my body and with my mind.  So many of us do, am I right? My body is never something I have been proud of, I have never really made it a priority to love it and to take care of it.  Same goes for my mind really, I let it overthink and obsess far too much never really taking care of my mental health.

Growing up I learned the basics of nutrition and exercise but I don't think that our generation were really taught about taking care of your mind.  Mental health was something that was almost scoffed at.  The word, 'stressed' was banded around a lot but nobody really seemed to take mental health very seriously.

If you've come across my blog before or know me personally you will know that my mum has suffered with anorexia nervosa for most of her life and therefore I grew up witnessing her daily battles.  This disorder also meant that although she tried her best to protect us from it, I developed an unhealthy outlook on eating and my body image.  I have never been anorexic, it just meant that over the years I treated my body utterly disrespectfully and allowed my mind to tell me I was fat, ugly and unworthy.  This in turn meant that I was never motivated to learn about the ins and outs of nutrition and only ever exercised in the pursuit of a flat stomach.

By 2012 I was living alone and was well versed on surviving on Diet Coke, sweets, the odd block of cheese, cucumber and a few other things in between.  I loved all the 'bad' foods and would deprive myself all day long so that I could eat that pizza on Friday night with my boyfriend.  In my head I was surviving and fitting in size 8 clothes so all was grand.  Looking back my mood swings were horrendous, my self confidence was non existent and often all I wanted to do was think about food or sleep.

Falling pregnant in 2013 meant that I had to start taking better care of my body in order to grow our beautiful daughter.  I was hungry/ HANGRY pretty much ALL of the time and boy did I eat.  Finding Sam and having our daughter did stop me from abusing my body and I began to at least respect it for taking care of my daughter for 9 months and delivering her safely into my arms on December 31st 2013.

Again, if you know me or have read my blog before then you will know that I quickly fell pregnant with our son 3 months after having Posey.  This meant that getting my body ready for our wedding went out the window and again I focused on eating 'well' for our unborn child.  We were blessed with our little boy 9 months later but it meant that I absolutely hated myself on our wedding day and unfortunately struggle to look at most of the photographs that were taken on the day.  - I feel it is important to point out here that our wedding day was still one of the happiest days of my life, I married the man of my absolute dreams with our daughter by our sides and our son in my belly.

Fast forward to 2019... I have just turned 30 and my husband has recently started hitting it hard at the gym.  He has always been active but has become seriously motivated to eat well, nourish his body and train like a beast.  I am so proud of him but it also turns out I am quite competitive... so I started following him to the gym.

The gym has seriously awakened something inside of me (so cheesy i know but it is true).  At first I was absolutely terrible at it and attempting to work out having not had time to eat much at work or drink much water.  I found myself feeling inspired to train harder and make my body stronger.  I am motivated to learn more about food and nutrition.  I want to know about foods to improve my skin, my mood, my fitness and my energy levels.  I want to learn about HIIT sessions that can improve my stamina and my strength not that can make me 'drop a dress size' or gain a beach body within a week!

The shift in my mindset is honestly incredible I am less frightened of food and far more willing to learn about my body and take care of it.  Instead of cursing it and hating my IBS I am trying different ways to appease it.  Instead of reaching for alllll the Diet Coke to get me through the day I am starting my days with a hot lemon water and drinking so much water - now don't get me wrong I am still me and I still love Diet Coke but there are changes around here and I am bloody happy about them.

Do I love my body now?  - no, it would be silly to say that I do but I am working with it now and trying to take care of it.  I want to be a mum that my children are proud of and one that has energy and good mental health.  I love to train with Sam and I honestly think it is working wonders in our marriage and basically I am just a happier, more motivated person.

I actually think that this change will stick too -  going to the gym is now something I really look forward to, I am enjoying learning about nutrition and bringing our children along for the ride -  and look, I am motivated to write again so I must be onto a winner.

If you are looking to change and become more in tune with your body's needs and your mental health and sincerely recommend you look up Sarahs_day - she is an Australian holistic health blogger and YouTuber.  She is massively motivating and has so much knowledge to share with daft sods like me who really didn't know a thing about taking care of my body and mind.

side note: thank you Sam for also being massively motivating and supportive - not only does he big me up and support me but he also bought me an Apple Watch and air pods last week to show me how proud of me he is! I mean #husbandgoals or what?!

Sorry for such a long winded post - I am just feeling motivated and actually possibly maybe just a little bit proud of myself!

Thanks for stopping by,

A simple start to 2019...

Perfect place to enjoy a walk in 2019

Hi there and HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I won't sit and ramble about how quickly Christmas came and went but I will say that the whole, 'new year, new me' pressure is in the air and it isn't how I want to start my 2019.  Before I had my daughter I always hated New Year and the pressure to make this year, 'the best year yet!'  Then I had Posey on New Years Eve which made the whole day far more enjoyable.

I still feel the pressure though and even last night as I sat on the sofa waiting to ring in the new year (I lasted until 10:30 and went to bed... how rock and roll) I felt anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I woke up this morning feeling determined to not let the New Year hype engulf me but instead make conscious choices to make the day to day more simple and calming.  I am a mum of two and a full time teacher; I need calm in my life!

With that in mind, I thought I would share with you how I plan to make my start to 2019 calm & simple.

candles //
 we all love a festive candle but I am a year round candle lover.  I think it is the whole hyyge thing. I am going to make a conscious effort when I arrive home or even when I get up in the mornings to light a candle and just take a moment to myself before I carry on with whatever it is I have to do.  That way I'll have a moment to myself to breathe and the apartment will smell glorious, win win!

music //
I don't know about you but the TV on the background has become a bit of a bad habit in the Brookes household.  Most of the time we aren't even watching it, Sam and I will be in the kitchen and the children are usually busy playing!  I much, much prefer listening to music.  So I intend to play much more music in our home in 2019.  Sam and I are really enjoying the new Mumford and Sons album, they are one of our favourite bands and always make me feel calmer and more relaxed.

health //
If you didn't know I turned 30 in December and I am still not quite sure if I am bothered or not.  Can't decide.  However what I am more aware of it my health and that of my family's.  We usually eat fairly well but with the Christmas break and alot of traveling nutrition has gone on the back burner and I am really feeling it.  I am not going to sit here and say I am going to make my whole family vegetarian like me or that I am going to do veganuary but I am going to continue to make small changes that we had already started in 2018.

Sam and the littles are really good with their intake of water, me on the other hand, not so much.  I have one of those hydrate m8 style bottles which does help encourage me so I am going to keep working on that.

I am also going to make the conscious choice to buy Weetabix as breakfast for the whole family.  We all like Weetabix, it is obviously good for your body, I like the fact they don't use any plastic in their packaging and to top it off they are vegan.  So if you eat them with soy or nut milk, hey presto a vegan meal every day! - good for you, good the world.  🌎

a good clean //
Once the tree is down and you've organized the festive clutter I always feel like our home needs a good clean.  I am no Mrs Hinch by any stretch of the imagination but using Method cleaning products always helps to motivate the cleaner in me.  My favourites are the clementine and the French lavender.

walking //
Again not a unfulfilled promise to over haul my exercise regime it is me noting that walking really helps me feel calm.  We live in such a beautiful part of Abu Dhabi, we have the beach right on our doorstep and water surrounding us.  I find the water really soothing and a walk is a great way to silence the noise in your head!



Here's to a new year, same me but making choices to be calmer and more content.

Thanks for stopping by,

Body Confidence.

This is a post I have toyed with writing for a long time.

It is something I want to speak about, something I battle with and importantly something I feel passionate about.  Body confidence is such an issue.  It is talked about every single day in so many different corners of the world and affects so many people no matter what walk of life they are from.

At the same time though, I almost feel like I shouldn't write about it, in fear of insulting or upsetting anyone (my own family members included).

I am going to write about it anyway, I am in no way an expert on how to deal with the struggles of body confidence and have absolutely nothing figured out but here goes.


My body is something I have struggled to love for as long as I can remember.  This struggle far proceeds me becoming a mother.  Don't get me wrong there are some parts of me that I don't mind too much but my negative opinions about myself outweigh the positives.  This post is not supposed to be a sympathy post it is just one I felt inclined to write.

I can remember feeling fat and ugly before even entering high school.  I always enjoyed my food as a younger child but I remember one day where, if memory serves me correctly, I ordered the same meal as my dad and something in me just nagged at me.  I looked around the dinner table and saw my mum's salad and then my meal mirroring my dads.  A thought entered my mind and it never left.  It told me I shouldn't be eating what my dad was eating (portion size wise) and this thought festered.  I began to notice how much taller I was in comparison to a lot of my friends and I started to note what I was eating and what my mother wasn't. My anxiety began to grow and by the time I was entering my adolescent years I was trying to think of ways to avoid food and diet.  I became a little more obsessive and conscious about my body and how much I ate.  I made bad choices though and still do.  Like even though I wanted to be thin, I continued to chose Diet Coke, sweets and bits of cheese and I think that is because inherently I still loved food.
 This love for food is something I still feel extremely guilty about.  There is something in my mind that tells me it is wrong to enjoy food and I almost feel like I am letting myself down when I do eat but common sense prevails and reminds me that I am supposed to eat and enjoy food.  However I should note that I feel stronger in myself when those pangs of hunger hit and feel weak when I give in to them... which I know sounds ridiculous.

At this point in the post I think it is important to tell you that my mum has struggled with an eating disorder for many, many years.  I can remember points in my life where she has managed her eating disorder 'well' and other points where we have lived in fear that her body will just give up on her.  I remember her weight watchers soup and plates of boiled vegetables for dinner, I remember the look of despair on my dad's face when she refused to eat in public places and I remember the many tears I have shed worrying that I was going to lose my mum to anorexia... this is harder to write than I thought it would be.  I don't blame my mum by the way.  She can't help it believe me I know she has tried but she just can't overcome it.

_________________________________________________________

I started writing this post months ago.  I stopped because I didn't know where else to take it and kind of forget my reasons for starting it in the first place.  Whilst it was therapeutic to write in some ways, in others, it was damn depressing!

I think I felt inclined to write it for these reasons;
1. to acknowledge how I felt about myself in the past and realise that yes; perhaps I did have a bit of a problem.
2. to acknowledge my mum's anorexia and my childhood watching her struggle.
3. to remind myself that I need to not be so hard on myself when it comes to food but at the same time not be so hard on myself when I am feeling negative about the way I look.
4. to remind myself to NEVER let these thoughts get a grip of me again as I don't want my children or my husband to be part of the battles my family have been.

I DO NOT blame my mum for how I feel about my appearance she spent my whole childhood trying to make me confident and encouraging me to eat food.  She told me I was special, she told me I was beautiful.  How I feel isn't her fault and she stood never feel guilty.  I am just so deeply saddened by the fact that anorexia won't leave her alone.  I hope that one day she will find a way to be comfortable but I am not sure that will ever happen.  I am incredibly angry with the mental illness as it took my mum away from me.
I am incredibly angry with the illness because it has made me question my appearance and my food choices.

I love my husband and my children because they fixed me.  Not to say that I love myself now because I do not but I am far healthier because of them and Sam helps me with how I feel every.single.day.

- I love you Sam. -


I am sorry for an awfully waffling on style post.  This blog is my little online diary and this is something I wanted to write about it is just a shame I couldn't express my thoughts more coherently.

If you are someone reading this that struggles with body confidence, food or anxiety in general regarding the way you look, please talk to someone about it.  Whether it's a family member, a friend, a colleague or a doctor be brave and take that step to feeling better about yourself.

The term nothing takes a good as skinny feels... is bull****, there is far more to us than our figures and I am going to try hard to remember that.  So should you. xx

If you are still here reading this, THANK YOU.

Lots of love,

Holly x