A little life update...

It's the end of May, how is it already the end of May?! ... I know it is a cliché thing to say but the past two years have literally flown.  We are coming up to two years of living in the Middle East and our lives have changed so much.

When we decided to move out here we made a pact that love it or loathe it, we would stick our two year contract out and then see where we were at and how we were feeling.  Now we are reaching that first set of goal posts and I am actually very proud of us.  We left our friends and family in search of a better life for our children and that is what we achieved.  I mean don't get me wrong the #expatlife is far from perfect but when I sit back and look at our daily lives now I am pretty impressed.

Here is a little round up of what makes me most proud;

1. We can afford to pay for our children's music, ballet and rugby lessons all on our own

2. We have been able to ignite a passion for travel in our children.  Before we moved here the most exciting trip Posey and Lochlann experienced was a ferry trip to Ireland for a family getaway with my lovely in-laws (which was lovely by the way) but in the past two years we've lived in Abu Dhabi, visited Copenhagen and Bali as well as traveling back to the UK! - Posey and Lochlann now have places like China and Italy on their bucket lists!

3.  Our children have friends from around the world.  They are getting to learn about and experience many different cultures.

4.  Not only has our marriage survived, I honestly believe it has now begun to thrive - it took time to settle and to get used to being with each other basically all the time but honestly now I think we are stronger and happier than ever!

5. We have started to take care of ourselves a little better - eating better, having a healthier mindset (me) and working out together at the gym.


When reading those things back they all seem pretty normal, mundane things, things that I am sure many people take for granted in their daily lives.  But they're not small things to me.  When our children were very small our family helped us to provide for our children and give them all they need and whilst there is nothing wrong with that - we wanted to be able to do these things for ourselves.
I hated the guilt of knowing I couldn't always afford things for our children - only holidaying in Wales because we were fortunate enough to use our family's caravan.  The children only wearing the nicest of the cheap clothes because that was all we could afford or them having things bought by our family - I was so grateful but I yearned to do things our way - to take them to places we wanted to visit and for them to wear or play with things that we had chosen for them.
I am struggling to put this across in a way that doesn't sound like I am totally only interested in the materialistic side of life but I just mean that I wanted to feel like we could do things for our little family all by ourselves.  I guess I wanted to show what we could achieve even though we got together quickly, got serious even quicker and became parents within 18 months of being official.
I wanted to show that Sam and I were strong together, that we were meant to be despite it all seeming so rushed.

I mean between 2011-2015 we got together, fell pregnant, bought a house together (with help from our parents), welcomed our daughter into the world, fell pregnant for a second time, got married, welcomed our son & then moved house AGAIN!

Fast forward to New Years 2017 and you found Sam and I in our beautiful detached four bedroom home, the home we stretched ourselves for in the hopes it would become our forever home.  Sadly we fairly quickly got bogged down in nursery fees and mortgages repayments.  We have some really wonderful family memories from our time in our house but I vividly remember sitting down together in the New Year just after Posey's and Lochlann's birthdays and deciding that something needed to change. We knew our home wasn't what we wanted for our forever home. We were sick of working our butts off for little pay off and money always seeming tight.  Something needed to change.  We wanted to made our children's lives fulfilled with two happy parents, family adventures and a little spare cash to make life easier and that is what moving to Abu Dhabi has given us.

We arrived with two toddlers, one still in nappies and 8 rather large suitcases.  Two years later we've had two successful years in our current school, our children have both started school and really love it.  Now we are getting our little family ready for our a new adventure in a new school.


                               Us not long after we arrived...

                                Our first trip to Dubai

                                Posey is 3 here and little L is only two

                              On a desert safari for Sam's birthday

How long we will be here?  - In honesty I don't know.  Sam and I stick to our decisions and see them through. Our new contract is for another two years therefore we will be here for at least that.  It gives us two more years to save money and will see us move to another part of Abu Dhabi with new places to explore.

I do worry about the children not experiencing their childhood in England surrounded by our family but the opportunities we can give them here mean that they can spend summers getting in that quality time and the rest of the year living where our weekends involve guitars lessons, the beach and trips to the pool.  We definitely couldn't say that when we lived in Warrington!

                                                            Us now...

I am aware this post has been a ramble fest and possibly doesn't even make much sense but as these first two years draw to close I wanted to get my thoughts down.  There are honestly still moments daily where I still cannot believe that this is where we call home.

I am so glad we started this adventure, I love my little family so much.
💛

If you've reached the even of this long winded post then thank you. 🙏

Body Confidence.

This is a post I have toyed with writing for a long time.

It is something I want to speak about, something I battle with and importantly something I feel passionate about.  Body confidence is such an issue.  It is talked about every single day in so many different corners of the world and affects so many people no matter what walk of life they are from.

At the same time though, I almost feel like I shouldn't write about it, in fear of insulting or upsetting anyone (my own family members included).

I am going to write about it anyway, I am in no way an expert on how to deal with the struggles of body confidence and have absolutely nothing figured out but here goes.


My body is something I have struggled to love for as long as I can remember.  This struggle far proceeds me becoming a mother.  Don't get me wrong there are some parts of me that I don't mind too much but my negative opinions about myself outweigh the positives.  This post is not supposed to be a sympathy post it is just one I felt inclined to write.

I can remember feeling fat and ugly before even entering high school.  I always enjoyed my food as a younger child but I remember one day where, if memory serves me correctly, I ordered the same meal as my dad and something in me just nagged at me.  I looked around the dinner table and saw my mum's salad and then my meal mirroring my dads.  A thought entered my mind and it never left.  It told me I shouldn't be eating what my dad was eating (portion size wise) and this thought festered.  I began to notice how much taller I was in comparison to a lot of my friends and I started to note what I was eating and what my mother wasn't. My anxiety began to grow and by the time I was entering my adolescent years I was trying to think of ways to avoid food and diet.  I became a little more obsessive and conscious about my body and how much I ate.  I made bad choices though and still do.  Like even though I wanted to be thin, I continued to chose Diet Coke, sweets and bits of cheese and I think that is because inherently I still loved food.
 This love for food is something I still feel extremely guilty about.  There is something in my mind that tells me it is wrong to enjoy food and I almost feel like I am letting myself down when I do eat but common sense prevails and reminds me that I am supposed to eat and enjoy food.  However I should note that I feel stronger in myself when those pangs of hunger hit and feel weak when I give in to them... which I know sounds ridiculous.

At this point in the post I think it is important to tell you that my mum has struggled with an eating disorder for many, many years.  I can remember points in my life where she has managed her eating disorder 'well' and other points where we have lived in fear that her body will just give up on her.  I remember her weight watchers soup and plates of boiled vegetables for dinner, I remember the look of despair on my dad's face when she refused to eat in public places and I remember the many tears I have shed worrying that I was going to lose my mum to anorexia... this is harder to write than I thought it would be.  I don't blame my mum by the way.  She can't help it believe me I know she has tried but she just can't overcome it.

_________________________________________________________

I started writing this post months ago.  I stopped because I didn't know where else to take it and kind of forget my reasons for starting it in the first place.  Whilst it was therapeutic to write in some ways, in others, it was damn depressing!

I think I felt inclined to write it for these reasons;
1. to acknowledge how I felt about myself in the past and realise that yes; perhaps I did have a bit of a problem.
2. to acknowledge my mum's anorexia and my childhood watching her struggle.
3. to remind myself that I need to not be so hard on myself when it comes to food but at the same time not be so hard on myself when I am feeling negative about the way I look.
4. to remind myself to NEVER let these thoughts get a grip of me again as I don't want my children or my husband to be part of the battles my family have been.

I DO NOT blame my mum for how I feel about my appearance she spent my whole childhood trying to make me confident and encouraging me to eat food.  She told me I was special, she told me I was beautiful.  How I feel isn't her fault and she stood never feel guilty.  I am just so deeply saddened by the fact that anorexia won't leave her alone.  I hope that one day she will find a way to be comfortable but I am not sure that will ever happen.  I am incredibly angry with the mental illness as it took my mum away from me.
I am incredibly angry with the illness because it has made me question my appearance and my food choices.

I love my husband and my children because they fixed me.  Not to say that I love myself now because I do not but I am far healthier because of them and Sam helps me with how I feel every.single.day.

- I love you Sam. -


I am sorry for an awfully waffling on style post.  This blog is my little online diary and this is something I wanted to write about it is just a shame I couldn't express my thoughts more coherently.

If you are someone reading this that struggles with body confidence, food or anxiety in general regarding the way you look, please talk to someone about it.  Whether it's a family member, a friend, a colleague or a doctor be brave and take that step to feeling better about yourself.

The term nothing takes a good as skinny feels... is bull****, there is far more to us than our figures and I am going to try hard to remember that.  So should you. xx

If you are still here reading this, THANK YOU.

Lots of love,

Holly x

Dear Diary June 2017

When I younger, certainly through my teenage years and early twenties (as if I am now classed as my late twenties) I kept a diary.  I wrote in it every day, religiously.  It had my deepest, darkest thoughts inside it.  Every happy memory, worry and low moment I had, written down.  For many years it was my escape and the only way I could manage to get through the external things that went on that were out of my control.  Then I met my husband and the writing stopped.  He said it was because we were content, happy and I agreed.  I was proud that I didn't need to pour myself into my writing anymore and for a long time I haven't written.
But I have missed it.

I didn't always write because I needed to escape sometimes I wrote to recount a happy day, to ramble or simply for myself and over the last year or so I have come to really miss it.  This blog came about mainly to document the lives of our two beautiful children but I have decided to use it as my outlet too.  Both for the happy times and the not so happy.  A blog is basically an online journal and so why not use it as one?

So from time to time, when I feel inspired to do so I will write a Dear Diary post.  It will be for me.  Perhaps others might read it and of course I would love for that to happen.  Every connection I have made with a reader of my little slice of the net has been a positive one and it would be great if people felt they could connect with me through these posts too.

There will be no agenda or strict list of subjects for this part of my blog.  I may ramble more than usual and for that I apologise. But man, it feels good just to write...  I feels like I have rediscovered a small part of me that I had lost to my past.  It is ok to write, it is good to write especially when I have some many wonderful people in my life to write about now and so many exciting adventures that we are about to embark upon!

Anyway, there we have it.  Dear Diary entry number one.  :)